Adultery.
Financial stress.
Medical stresses.
But one of the most potent poisons to any marriage is miscommunication.
Sadly it seems that very few people are actually good at communicating with their spouses. Quite a few of our friends have mentioned to my wife and I how much they struggle to communicate with their spouse.
Lydia and I definitely pride ourselves in being able to communicate with each other, but we haven't always been as good at it as we are now.
What follows is ten tips for better communication within your marriage.
10. Never assume your spouse understands what you meant.
This goes for both sexes. Don't assume you read that text right. If it sounds worse than what your wife normally says, then you probably didn't read it correctly.
If you assume that you understand what your spouse is saying and don't bother to clarify what was meant, you will often come to misunderstandings and it will slowly wear you down.
It's much easier to ask what was meant then go through the frustrations of misunderstanding.
This goes for both sexes. Don't assume you read that text right. If it sounds worse than what your wife normally says, then you probably didn't read it correctly.
If you assume that you understand what your spouse is saying and don't bother to clarify what was meant, you will often come to misunderstandings and it will slowly wear you down.
It's much easier to ask what was meant then go through the frustrations of misunderstanding.
9. Never go to bed angry with your spouse.
This is something that my wife and I have never done. We never go to bed angry with each other.
We may be lying in bed angry at each other for a bit... but we never fall asleep angry.
If you let anger smolder, it will burn you and your spouse.
Anger is destructive to anything it touches and can easily destroy a marriage. If you are angry or upset about something that your spouse did then talk to them and try to figure out a solution so that it does not keep irritating you. Chances are that they didn't even realize that it was that frustrating. Also, forgive. Remember that you are on the same team and determine whether what is irritating you is worth giving up peace with your spouse over.
This is something that my wife and I have never done. We never go to bed angry with each other.
We may be lying in bed angry at each other for a bit... but we never fall asleep angry.
If you let anger smolder, it will burn you and your spouse.
Anger is destructive to anything it touches and can easily destroy a marriage. If you are angry or upset about something that your spouse did then talk to them and try to figure out a solution so that it does not keep irritating you. Chances are that they didn't even realize that it was that frustrating. Also, forgive. Remember that you are on the same team and determine whether what is irritating you is worth giving up peace with your spouse over.
8. Never assume you know more than your spouse
This can be a tricky issue because obviously you will know more than your spouse in certain subjects. The balance comes by not lording your expertise over them, rather share the knowledge with them and likewise they will share their specialty with you.
That way both of you learn and become the wiser for it. If you go into marriage assuming that you're the smarter one, you will insult and damage the confidence of your spouse. Anyone with a superiority complex will end up lonely and broken.
This can be a tricky issue because obviously you will know more than your spouse in certain subjects. The balance comes by not lording your expertise over them, rather share the knowledge with them and likewise they will share their specialty with you.
That way both of you learn and become the wiser for it. If you go into marriage assuming that you're the smarter one, you will insult and damage the confidence of your spouse. Anyone with a superiority complex will end up lonely and broken.
7. Do not withhold sex or other intimate behaviors as punishment.
If you are frustrated with your spouse do not... let me repeat, do not withhold sex or other forms of showing affection from your spouse. You are not the parent and they are not the child. You are equals and punishing them because you are mad at them is not appropriate in a marriage.
Be an adult and talk out your differences and come to a conclusion that is agreeable to both people. Now if your spouse is tired from having a really long day and doesn't want to have sex... Then be kind and understanding and let them relax and rest. They had a rough day and need a break. Maybe even make dinner for them or do something to demonstrate that you care about their efforts. Communicating kindness is just as important as communicating a disagreement or misunderstanding.
If you are frustrated with your spouse do not... let me repeat, do not withhold sex or other forms of showing affection from your spouse. You are not the parent and they are not the child. You are equals and punishing them because you are mad at them is not appropriate in a marriage.
Be an adult and talk out your differences and come to a conclusion that is agreeable to both people. Now if your spouse is tired from having a really long day and doesn't want to have sex... Then be kind and understanding and let them relax and rest. They had a rough day and need a break. Maybe even make dinner for them or do something to demonstrate that you care about their efforts. Communicating kindness is just as important as communicating a disagreement or misunderstanding.
6. Always assume the best of what your spouse is telling you.
Speaking from personal experience, I have many times assumed the worst and it has made everything very gloomy and dismal. Many times Lydia had no idea that what she said was misunderstood by me and I would just hold on to it, and let it bother me for hours. Finally when I couldn't hold it anymore I would ask her why she was mad at me or whatever I had assumed. Many times she would stare at me with a blank look because she never meant what I had come up with... In short, ask for clarification before you assume she's attacking you... which leads right into the next point.
5. Accept criticism, even if you don't like it.
Part of marriage is growing as a person.
The only way that you grow is if you are challenged to grow. Growth comes from discomfort and learning to overcome difficulties. The number one person who will be challenging you is most likely going to be your spouse. They aren't always going to sugar coat what they are saying to you and you need to be an adult about it, hear the truth that they are saying, and maybe do some introspection and see if you need to work on something.
A willingness to grow is a mature response to criticism.
4. Believe your spouse when they say they love you.
"I love you bb" said Lydia,
"yay! are you sure?" Said the insecure Dave.
"Yes I do bb..." said Lydia, what she didn't say was that it hurt every time he didn't believe her.
Why didn't he believe her? She told him that every day, but for some reason he just didn't seem to believe her. After a few months it was beginning to wear on her.
If your spouse tells you they love you, believe them. It's important for them to know that you trust them and believe what they say. If this basic communication isn't intact, chances are there are other issues in the relationship as well.
3. Never settle an argument when you are angry.
No one ever settled a disagreement angry.
They may have yelled louder and got their point across better, but in the end they didn't win.
If your spouse isn't winning, then you aren't winning either.
Marriage is a team sport, and if you aren't unified as a team, then you will lose every time.
If you are not getting along about something to the point both of you are angry at each other, take a step back and just cool off before you try to come to an agreement about it.
2. Be willing to work with your spouse.
Teams that win a lot put in hours upon hours of work to succeed when they get into a hard contest.
When it comes down to the wire, the team that is better prepared will come out on top. When it comes to marriage, both husbands and wives not only need to be working on growing themselves, they also need to put time in working together to become a stronger team. The more time you put in together the less miscommunications you'll have and the more you will enjoy each other.
1. Adopt the mindset that you hold the keys to your spouse's soul.
Speaking from personal experience, I have many times assumed the worst and it has made everything very gloomy and dismal. Many times Lydia had no idea that what she said was misunderstood by me and I would just hold on to it, and let it bother me for hours. Finally when I couldn't hold it anymore I would ask her why she was mad at me or whatever I had assumed. Many times she would stare at me with a blank look because she never meant what I had come up with... In short, ask for clarification before you assume she's attacking you... which leads right into the next point.
5. Accept criticism, even if you don't like it.
Part of marriage is growing as a person.
The only way that you grow is if you are challenged to grow. Growth comes from discomfort and learning to overcome difficulties. The number one person who will be challenging you is most likely going to be your spouse. They aren't always going to sugar coat what they are saying to you and you need to be an adult about it, hear the truth that they are saying, and maybe do some introspection and see if you need to work on something.
A willingness to grow is a mature response to criticism.
4. Believe your spouse when they say they love you.
"I love you bb" said Lydia,
"yay! are you sure?" Said the insecure Dave.
"Yes I do bb..." said Lydia, what she didn't say was that it hurt every time he didn't believe her.
Why didn't he believe her? She told him that every day, but for some reason he just didn't seem to believe her. After a few months it was beginning to wear on her.
If your spouse tells you they love you, believe them. It's important for them to know that you trust them and believe what they say. If this basic communication isn't intact, chances are there are other issues in the relationship as well.
3. Never settle an argument when you are angry.
No one ever settled a disagreement angry.
They may have yelled louder and got their point across better, but in the end they didn't win.
If your spouse isn't winning, then you aren't winning either.
Marriage is a team sport, and if you aren't unified as a team, then you will lose every time.
If you are not getting along about something to the point both of you are angry at each other, take a step back and just cool off before you try to come to an agreement about it.
2. Be willing to work with your spouse.
Teams that win a lot put in hours upon hours of work to succeed when they get into a hard contest.
When it comes down to the wire, the team that is better prepared will come out on top. When it comes to marriage, both husbands and wives not only need to be working on growing themselves, they also need to put time in working together to become a stronger team. The more time you put in together the less miscommunications you'll have and the more you will enjoy each other.
1. Adopt the mindset that you hold the keys to your spouse's soul.
Being married is an honor and a privilege.
It is also a huge responsibility.
Why is it a huge responsibility?
Because you are entrusted with your spouse's heart and soul.
You are the keeper of your spouse and responsible for their well-being.
What do leaders look like? Gentle yet firm, kind but honest. They love their own and they protect their own. That is your responsibility in marriage, to defend that sacred bond, and do whatever it takes keep that bond.
Communication is key to understanding each other in a marriage. If you want to take care of your spouse (and in turn yourself) take the time to understand them better than they understand themselves.
It is also a huge responsibility.
Why is it a huge responsibility?
Because you are entrusted with your spouse's heart and soul.
You are the keeper of your spouse and responsible for their well-being.
What do leaders look like? Gentle yet firm, kind but honest. They love their own and they protect their own. That is your responsibility in marriage, to defend that sacred bond, and do whatever it takes keep that bond.
Communication is key to understanding each other in a marriage. If you want to take care of your spouse (and in turn yourself) take the time to understand them better than they understand themselves.
