The other day I was walking through my school cafeteria and I saw one of my friends sitting alone at a table doing homework. Her friends had left to go there separate ways and so I sat down just to see how she was doing. She said she was fine and everything was good. We talked for a while and then went our separate ways. I went back to work washing dishes, but I couldn't get her off my mind. She was single now, and it wasn't by her choice. However, I know she's a strong girl and will be fine, but it still bothered me, what with Valentine's Day coming up and all. Because of this chance encounter I decided to write this blog in hopes to encourage those who may find themselves alone this Valentine's day.
A Letter To You
Valentine's day is right around the corner and some of us find ourselves alone this year. I am very blessed that I am married to a wonderful wife. However, it wasn't always that way. I remember many Valentine's days gone by that were rather miserable. I was alone and wishing that I wasn't. I wasn't satisfied where I was and I just wanted someone to show that they loved me. I know the feeling. I know the feeling of being broken up with weeks before this holiday and it hard, and it sucks,
but don't feel that it is going to last that way forever. I promise you, you won't be alone for long. God has a plan for you. It's very cliche to say such things, but it's true. I know it's true because I stood where you stand, feeling a little lost and maybe a little unloved, but I now stand with a wonderful wife, and she is more than I could've imagined. God has blessed me, and I am sure that he will bless you in that way too. you are still young and have plenty of life to live. Don't be afraid, don't be sad, God will give you more than you've asked. He will give you the perfect man that will love and cherish you for who you are. He will lead you and help you grow in faith. I know this is a long step of faith sometimes, but don't give up God still has you in his hand, and will care for you and your broken heart.
Some people are hurt more than others through break ups, but everyone gets hurt. Also, some people do remain single and are happy with it. Maybe that's not the boat that you are in, and that's totally fine. If you are single and hurting, please don't try to run from your pain, or try to hide it. Deal with it in a healthy way and fall into the arms of Grace and Comfort that will always be there for you. You don't need that rebound guy, all you need is Christ. His love and kindness will last you a lifetime.
I am sitting in a room, where there is no time or space, just enough room for reflection. I hear the door open and I start with surprise as my old self walks in. He sits down in front of me in the chair across the table and looks at me with a long slow glance. He smirks and looks away shaking his head. I feel uncomfortable... Was this really me?
He looks at me again out from underneath his hoody. His eye are dull, dead, and look slightly malicious. He shifts his weight in his chair and looks away again. I begin to realize with dismay that this WAS really me, this is what I was like years ago. He looks at me for a moment and in a sharp cutting voice says to me; "You know, I can still see you today." I look startled, "What do you mean?" He rolls is eyes and glares at me, "I see what you've done, and how you've change and I think it sucks." he almost snarls at me and I feel even more uncomfortable. "Remember how it use to be? When you were still a cool guy?" I look
at him, trying to remember what he could be remembering. He smirks darkly and rolls up his sleeve to reveal scars on his wrists. "Remember these? Do you remember how frustrated you were when you did this to yourself? do you remember those feelings of failure?" He smiles, "Those were the days... When you were still a man." He snaps a look at me, to see how I'm taking it. He smiles, as he realizes that his knife hit me in the heart.
I look at the ground. "What do you want?" He turns and looks me in the eyes, and in a dull and cold voice says, "I want you back the way you were." I look at him, not sure what I'm looking at but realizing how much his words are hurting me.
He stands up and begins pacing. "Let me paint a picture for you. Remember when you were a player? when you could get girls, and have fun? HA! Now you're married and stuck with one girl for the rest of your life. You're an idiot, who would ever want that boring a life? Why would you sign your life away like that?" He continues to pace, and I continue to wonder if he's right.
"remember those nights? when you would stand in the shower and just let your arms bleed? Look at you now! You're in college for Church Ministries! You really think God wants to use some useless scarred up piece of crap? You're no good for that, you'll lead those kids to Hell before they believe in God." I feel ashamed and sink even further into my chair. I think to myself "how could I expect God to use someone used up like me?". I guess he's right, I guess I really don't know what I'm doing with my life.
He turns and with each word I feel like someone punched me in the stomach. "You think you're an artist, and a musician, but don't you remember how much your songs have hurt your family? Remember? 'As I climb to the top, this I must decide, pain in life or blissful suicide, I know you don't want me I know you don't care, I know you just wish I would die here.' Remember when you wrote that? Man, you really hurt your mom's feelings. Again I sink further into darkness. I really am a terrible useless person...
"And on top of that you're a Christian now." He smiles darkly and points a figure at me. "Now you have to live by his rules and standards, you have no freedom, and you're just as useless now as ever. All you have is a crutch. A stupid god-crutch. Even if there really is a god, you think he'd care about a worthless piece of crap like you? He doesn't have time for you!"
I begin to cry, feeling that all my life has been a waste of time. I have accomplished anything, I have nothing to show for my life. All I do is play video games and talk about doing something more. I suck as a husband and a friend. I think to myself, "I guess that's why I have none." The sadness is becoming more and more real, maybe I should just give up now...
"No, you're not finished yet."
We both start, me and myself I turn and look towards the door, the old me, follows my gaze and turns pale. My eyes fill with tears, and I find myself running towards the man standing in the door, he reaches out to me with nail scarred hands and the gentlest eyes throughout eternity. "My Child, you're safe, and you are loved." He turns to my old self, and suddenly all gentleness is gone from his gaze. "You, what exactly are you doing here? Do you not see that this is my child that you are tormenting? What right do you think you have to do such a thing, be gone!" I hold on to Jesus as he begins to shoo my old self away. I suddenly find myself speaking. "Wait!" Jesus turns and looks at me, as does my old self. Jesus puts on arm around me, and already knowing what I'm going to say, he tells me "Go ahead."
I stand in front of my savior with him supporting me as I raise my eyes and stare back at my old self. He suddenly looks less menacing and scary. I take a deep breathe and say; "You're right I can't play around with other girls anymore, or break their hearts for fun, but really... What fun is that? you say that I had freedom before Christ, I didn't even know what true freedom was until I came to Christ. You are trying to stay in bondage, why should I want that? You're right I signed my life away, I chose to give it to Lydia, to love and cherish, and protect her. She is my bride and I will do for her whatever I can do. I will love her until I die and I will never look for anyone else because I have chosen her. Yeah, I still sin and I still fall but that doesn't mean that Christ has given up on me. Do you see him? He's here and he loves me." I begin to gain confidence as Jesus' power flows into me. "I remember every scar I remember putting them there and I remember who I was, but only as a past. I will never return to that darkness, because I have seen a light that is so much greater than any darkness. I remember but the bad songs I've written but I also know by heart the good ones too. The ones that made my mom smile, the ones that blessed her. Even if no one else ever hears them, they were worth writing. As for my major. God called me to do ministry, obviously he knows I'm broken, but I guess he has a purpose for me. He is building me into the person that I will become and not something I used to be. No, Christ is not my crutch he's way more than that. He is my life, and I chose him over you because he loves me, while you hate me, he wants the best for me, while you just want to see me fall. Now, know that I will never listen to you again, I will not have an audience with you, and I will not entertain you. You are over, and done. So in the name of Jesus Christ, be gone from here and don't come back. I don't need you, and I don't want you. even if I lose all earthly things, all I have is Christ and He is enough for me.
So saying, I turn my back on myself and turn to Christ. "Jesus, take me and help me become the man you would have me to be." He smiles, "Come, my child, let me show you the future."
