Ten Tips to Better Communication (Marriage Tips)

There are quite a few things that completely derail a marriage.

Adultery.
Financial stress.
Medical stresses.

But one of the most potent poisons to any marriage is miscommunication.

Sadly it seems that very few people are actually good at communicating with their spouses. Quite a few of our friends have mentioned to my wife and I how much they struggle to communicate with their spouse.

Lydia and I definitely pride ourselves in being able to communicate with each other, but we haven't always been as good at it as we are now.

What follows is ten tips for better communication within your marriage.

10. Never assume your spouse understands what you meant.
This goes for both sexes. Don't assume you read that text right. If it sounds worse than what your wife normally says, then you probably didn't read it correctly.

If you assume that you understand what your spouse is saying and don't bother to clarify what was meant, you will often come to misunderstandings and it will slowly wear you down.

It's much easier to ask what was meant then go through the frustrations of misunderstanding.

9. Never go to bed angry with your spouse.
This is something that my wife and I have never done. We never go to bed angry with each other.

We may be lying in bed angry at each other for a bit... but we never fall asleep angry.

 If you let anger smolder, it will burn you and your spouse.

Anger is destructive to anything it touches and can easily destroy a marriage. If you are angry or upset about something that your spouse did then talk to them and try to figure out a solution so that it does not keep irritating you. Chances are that they didn't even realize that it was that frustrating. Also, forgive. Remember that you are on the same team and determine whether what is irritating you is worth giving up peace with your spouse over.

8. Never assume you know more than your spouse
This can be a tricky issue because obviously you will know more than your spouse in certain subjects. The balance comes by not lording your expertise over them, rather share the knowledge with them and likewise they will share their specialty with you.

That way both of you learn and become the wiser for it. If you go into marriage assuming that you're the smarter one, you will insult and damage the confidence of your spouse. Anyone with a superiority complex will end up lonely and broken.

7. Do not withhold sex or other intimate behaviors as punishment.
If you are frustrated with your spouse do not... let me repeat, do not withhold sex or other forms of showing affection from your spouse. You are not the parent and they are not the child. You are equals and punishing them because you are mad at them is not appropriate in a marriage.

Be an adult and talk out your differences and come to a conclusion that is agreeable to both people. Now if your spouse is tired from having a really long day and doesn't want to have sex... Then be kind and understanding and let them relax and rest. They had a rough day and need a break. Maybe even make dinner for them or do something to demonstrate that you care about their efforts. Communicating kindness is just as important as communicating a disagreement or misunderstanding.

6. Always assume the best of what your spouse is telling you.
Speaking from personal experience, I have many times assumed the worst and it has made everything very gloomy and dismal. Many times Lydia had no idea that what she said was misunderstood by me and I would just hold on to it, and let it bother me for hours. Finally when I couldn't hold it anymore I would ask her why she was mad at me or whatever I had assumed. Many times she would stare at me with a blank look because she never meant what I had come up with... In short, ask for clarification before you assume she's attacking you... which leads right into the next point.

5. Accept criticism, even if you don't like it.
Part of marriage is growing as a person.

The only way that you grow is if you are challenged to grow. Growth comes from discomfort and learning to overcome difficulties. The number one person who will be challenging you is most likely going to be your spouse. They aren't always going to sugar coat what they are saying to you and you need to be an adult about it, hear the truth that they are saying, and maybe do some introspection and see if you need to work on something.

A willingness to grow is a mature response to criticism.

4. Believe your spouse when they say they love you. 
"I love you bb" said Lydia,
"yay!  are you sure?" Said the insecure Dave.
"Yes I do bb..." said Lydia, what she didn't say was that it hurt every time he didn't believe her.
Why didn't he believe her? She told him that every day, but for some reason he just didn't seem to believe her. After a few months it was beginning to wear on her.

If your spouse tells you they love you, believe them. It's important for them to know that you trust them and believe what they say. If this basic communication isn't intact, chances are there are other issues in the relationship as well.

3. Never settle an argument when you are angry. 
No one ever settled a disagreement angry.

They may have yelled louder and got their point across better, but in the end they didn't win.

If your spouse isn't winning, then you aren't winning either.

Marriage is a team sport, and if you aren't unified as a team, then you will lose every time.

If you are not getting along about something to the point both of you are angry at each other, take a step back and just cool off before you try to come to an agreement about it.

2. Be willing to work with your spouse. 
Teams that win a lot put in hours upon hours of work to succeed when they get into a hard contest.

When it comes down to the wire, the team that is better prepared will come out on top. When it comes to marriage, both husbands and wives not only need to be working on growing themselves, they also need to put time in working together to become a stronger team. The more time you put in together the less miscommunications you'll have and the more you will enjoy each other.

1. Adopt the mindset that you hold the keys to your spouse's soul. 

Being married is an honor and a privilege.

It is also a huge responsibility.

Why is it a huge responsibility?
 Because you are entrusted with your spouse's heart and soul.
You are the keeper of your spouse and responsible for their well-being.
What do leaders look like? Gentle yet firm, kind but honest. They love their own and they protect their own. That is your responsibility in marriage, to defend that sacred bond, and do whatever it takes keep that bond.

Communication is key to understanding each other in a marriage. If you want to take care of your spouse (and in turn yourself) take the time to understand them better than they understand themselves. 

Do We Kneel or Do We Stand?

I have noticed that over the past few weeks there has been a huge amount of discussion that can only be considered a jumble of noise and confused remarks about why NFL players are kneeling during the National Anthem. While I don't feel that I am a subject expert of racial oppression or hatred of the US. I am an expert in patriotism and caring for our fellow men and women around us.

This whole controversy started sometime last year when Colin Kaepernick decided it would be a good idea to kneel during the National Anthem to show support for the black americans who had been "gunned down" in "cold blood" by cops around the country. His idea was that he was advocating for equality when it comes to how people are treated not only by police officers but also by the general public... or at least that is my understanding of what he thought he was doing.

Two thoughts here: 1. It's already a controversial topic about whether the cops had the right to shoot or not, but to add kneeling during arguably the most important moment of any sporting event into the mix was not the brightest idea. 2. Are black people the only race that is really unfairly shot by police? Or do police unfairly shoot all kinds of people? All these are thoughts that have gone through my head as I've tried to make sense of what is going on in our country.

Now, let me preface this by saying, I am a white male who is currently servicing his country in the military. I am required by duty and contract (if not love) to stand and salute the flag of the United States during the national anthem or any movement of the flag. I think that makes it quite clear where I stand, but I'm not finished talking yet.

I understand that there is definitely injustice that has worked its way into the law enforcement system in the country, though it is a great minority of people who are corrupted compared to what the news would have you believe. The amount of good cops out there vastly trumps the numbers of bad cops. That being said, why and what are the agendas that are really behind the news making such a big deal out of these issues of racial injustice? I haven't a clue, but I must ask, what more important issues are they covering up that we don't get any news about?

If you want me to give you a solution on how to fixed the problem of racial injustice, it doesn't start with the cops. It starts with the civilians and the general populace treating each other respectfully and with love, rather than suspicion and hatred. We as a country cannot begin to move forward until we can reconcile that we come from different backgrounds and we are still all equal when we start before God.

Why do we have to make race an issue at all? When I see my friends that are of a different race than me, I don't say "oh hey, that's my black friend Joe over here". I say," hey that's my friend Joe, we play soccer together!" you see, there are other ways of describing yourself than by your skin color or sexuality... in fact those things should not come into play at all when you are building a relationship with someone.

In the military all races are represented and all races are treated as equal. There is not a difference based on race. I have brothers to my right and to my left that are black, Asian, Mexican, and white and I would willingly lay down my life for all of them if I was called to do so. That's what it means to be an soldier, and that's what it means to be an American-- to celebrate our differences and learn from each other, while cultivating rich relationships with each other.

As for the flag, I have watched too many soldiers return home under a flag to ever be able to kneel while the National Anthem is played. It doesn't matter what you think you are protesting... if you kneel during the National Anthem you spit upon the graves of known and unknown soldiers who have perished to give us the amount of freedoms we have today. By kneeling you distract from the soldiers of the past who gave everything and insult the soldiers who are currently protecting you.

The flag does not represent the injustices in the country, it represents the ideology that this country was founded upon. Loyalty, Duty, Responsibility, Selflessness, Honor, Integrity, and Personal Courage. It represents what we as a country strive to be, not what we currently are.

So in short, don't mock the flag because you think it's at fault or the ideals of this country... because they're not. It's us, the people who must make a change  for love and courage rather than hatred and fear. Also, if you want to make a difference then actually find a way to make a difference instead of just changing your facebook pictures or kneeling. Go out there and get your hands dirty trying to bring a better tomorrow into existence.

Evangelicals For Life: The Highlights

I have heard of the March for Life for many years now. However, I had never gone to Washington D.C. so participate or witness it. To be quite honest I was blown away. For the past few years there has been a evangelical conference that takes place called Evangelicals for Life. This is really what we went to DC to experience. I would say that the purpose of Evangelicals for Life  is to educate and encourage the people who are willing to listen, and desire to grow in their understanding of the Pro-Life Movement.

Needless to say, there were some highlights for the weekend that really stood out. I was very impressed by the speakers who made appearances. With a lineup such as, Matt Chandler, Russell Moore, Jeffrey Daly, Todd Wagner, and Eugene Cho you could expect greatness and powerful messages all around. They definitely did not disappoint. In fact they rose to the occasion and delivered so much, that it wouldn't be possible to capture it all in one blog so I will have to stick with the highlights. 

Highlight - 1: Dr. Russell Moore - The Blessing for the Children

Russell Moore - Human Dignity and The Gospel
The Framework for a Lasting Mission

One of the first to speak at this event was Russell Moore. Russell Moore is the President of the Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission of the Southern Baptist Convention, he has authored many books and has written for many different publications. When Russell Moore took the stage I wasn't sure what to expect because I have never heard him speak. However his reputation went before him and he brought a powerful message about the value that Jesus placed and continues to place on children. Dr. Moore explained how Jesus' was frustrated with his disciples when they turned the children away. He emphasized, that in the jewish culture, children were viewed as a nuisance when adults were talking, and similarly we as a country, treat the unborn as a nuisance. However, they are not. They are special, and valued as individuals created by God. Our children deserve to be invested in, and taught. They deserve attention and love. Children are a blessing from God and we must treat them as such. 

Highlight - 2: Pastor Matt Chandler - The Church as Community

One of the speaker I was anxious to see in person was Pastor Matt Chandler from the Village Church in Highland TX. Throughout the many series of sermons that I have listened to and learned from him.

Matt Chandler:
Pro-Life Issues and the Millennial:
Swimming Against the Culture

I naturally had high expectations from him. I was not disappointed. He spoke about the community, and how the church needs to understand that change starts with building relationships. Chandler emphasized the importance of getting out into our neighborhoods and actually looking for opportunities to build friendships and serve others.  One of the most profound things Matt said was, "God is crazy about some good things... not just against bad things."  There are so many people who focus on the things that God hates, the sins that alienate us from Him. We really do need to spend more time focusing on the good attributes that we need to cultivate in our lives.
Matt declared,  "We must as Evangelicals be a community of life that believes and declares... That God is the Author and Sustainer of all life from the womb to the tomb." We must choose as humans where to spend our energies and many make the mistake to spend all their time on focusing on the things that we shouldn't do, and are bad at, rather than focusing on what we've been instructed TO do, and what we have been gifted to do.
We must also seek the welfare of the city.

Three Reasons Why I Joined the Army

I have a tendency to write blogs in lists and this one will be no exception. In case you were unaware of what has been going on in my life for the past few months; I joined the army and went through Basic Combat Training, and I am now halfway through my AIT. Joining the Army is not a small decision... committing yourself to do something and to be loyal to it for longer than two years is hard, and a very difficult decision to make. For me, I spent about four months talking to different people and weighing my options before I walked into an Army recruiter's office. Then I took another month to commit to the Army. Now, many people have asked (specifically at Basic Training) why did I join the army and what was my motive for making that decision?  Well, here are my top three reasons for joining the military.

1. I joined the military to better myself, and create a better future for my family
Now I know that a lot of people will be able to relate to this. Many people have the end goal of trying to improve themselves and some look to the Army as the catalyst for this change. However, I have seen many who have said that they wanted to change, but then they don't push for success in the areas that they said they want change. In the end no one can force you to change, not even the army. You have to want it and you have to fight for it regardless of what you are surrounded by. I wanted to better myself because I felt like I wasn't worth anything. I felt that I was only holding my wife's future back because I was in school and not providing for her. I wanted that to change, I wanted to be able to proudly proclaim that I am providing for my wife, protecting her, and loving her to the best of my ability as her husband. When I joined that was my motive. I know now that I need more than just that to be a good husband and I will tackle that in a different blog. 

2. I joined the military to prove I am capable of succeeding at something
Like I mentioned earlier I felt that I wasn't good at anything. I felt I wasn't succeeding in any area of my life (which I know wasn't true) but I still felt that way and I wanted that to change. I have always struggled with confidence because I was never the loudest person in the room, and I felt that confidence had to do with your ability to command everyone's attention. While that is partially true there is a quiet side to confidence that makes your actions firm decisive and life-changing. I have gained a lot of self-confidence over the few months I've been here, and I have realized that I am in fact capable of succeeding in life. 
3. I joined the military to further the legacy of my grandparents who served in WWII
Both of my grandfathers served in WWII in the Army Air Corps (which then became the Air Force). One working in recon and intelligence, the other as a radio repair. I grew up hearing stories about WWII and the adventures they had. My parents didn't serve in the military but they always spoke highly of those who served, and supported the military so I never had a negative impression of the military. I have always longed to join the Army and serve my country.


 I never dreamed that that dream would ever really come true. Well... Here I am today, and I am in the Army trying my best to better myself, and max out every PT test. I want to be the best version of myself I can be. I want to leave a legacy for my children to be proud of. I am living one of my dreams, and I now know that it is possible to do so.

                                                                                           Until next time,
                                                                                                                 Duckie

How to Break The Friend Zone (The Story of Lydia and Dave)

I am writing this to the guys that feel like they'll never win the girl of their dreams, and I'm writing this to the guy who honestly loves the girl next door and is ignored and put into the "Friendzone".  This is not for the guy who only thinks about himself and only wants a girlfriend. This is for the guy who falls in love with a girl who he feels he has no chance with. I'm sharing this story because I don't want you to give up on your dreams.

When I was a freshman in college I went to college early because I wanted to tryout for the soccer team. I did not make the team and I am okay with that now. Anyway, before classes started some of the people who were there early went bowling together, and that was the first time I met Lydia. She was pretty, cute, and adorable. I wanted to talk to her, and I was hoping that we would be put in the same lane... We weren't but that's okay. On the way home we were in the same car and we got started talking about music and I said I wasn't a huge fan of Casting Crowns and apparently that wasn't the right thing to say (Strike 1).

When classes started my first class was Introduction to Psychology. I walked in a little nervous because this all seemed new. But I found a open seat and sat down without making a fool of myself. I looked to the left, and there was a girl who would share all the same classes with me on M/W/F for the rest of that semester. I turned to the right and there sat Lydia! We talked briefly and I was happy.

As the weeks went by I began to like Lydia, I wouldn't say love because that's a little bit of an exaggeration. However, the feelings weren't mutual at the time, and she began to show interest in a different guy. I didn't say anything, I just simply kept talking to her and being friends with her. By the end of Freshman year it was clear that she wasn't interested in me since she was semi-dating another guy.

Lydia and I in Europe

I felt kind of sad about it but not really because hey, there are many fish in the sea and maybe she's not the right one for me...  Well, she kept it up with this guy until late in summer break. When they broke up the first person he called was me, and told me that they had broken up. I was surprised, and I don't want to seem mean, but I was like.... maybe I have a chance now!





Two weeks after they broke up, I asked Lydia, "When we get back to school do you wanna go on a date?"  :3   I had high hopes... and they were quickly dashed on the rocks.
"No, I don't think I'll ever date you." Was Lydia's response.

Well then... I again tried to convince myself that there would be more fish in the sea, and I tried to find someone else. After showing interest in a few different girls and gave up. I couldn't seem to get Lydia out of my head, and I was only doing things I regretted and hurting people by not focusing on friendships.

During this time, I was still friends with Lydia, in fact I was the guy that she would talk to about her guy problems. She would tell me who she was interested in and who was frustrating her. Somehow I was never on her list.

Half way through the fall semester, Lydia got sick. She needed to go to Urgent Care and no one else seemed to be around so I told her I would drive her there. She reluctantly agreed, and off we went.  While we were sitting in the waiting room, I really wanted to lean over and hug her, but I thought she would punch me in the face. Many months down the road she would admit that she wanted the same thing that day. This event led to my first opportunity to hang out with her one on one. This led to many other opportunities to hang out as such.

On a particular Friday evening in November we were hanging out with a staff member and his family and two of us brought our guitars and were playing together for everyone else who was either listening or off in a different room. We were playing romantic songs and fun songs, but Lydia noticed that I wasn't looking at her during the romantic songs.
That night after we went home she cried all night because she thought she had lost her chance to be with the guy who she actually did like... but I didn't know this yet.

In the next day we went square dancing with a group of friends and I wasn't particularly interested in

From the Night of Dancing

dancing with Lydia that night because another girl was going that was a nice person and a good friend. Anyway, we danced, and the first time Lydia was passed to me, I could tell that she was blushing, but I had no idea why. I asked her, "Why are you blushing?" and she said,  "I'm not!" (and proceeded to not make eye contact with me.)

That night things changed. I was going to dance the last dance with another friend but Joanna Pisani poked me in the right direction when she told me to dance it with Lydia. I asked her why and she simply said, just do it. so I did it. That night we stopped at McDonalds on the way home, and danced in the parking lot. Things were beginning to look hopeful.

A couple weeks later we sat down and had a talk. I don't think anyone in the history of relationships has had a talk like this. We went to Starbucks and our talk started out... I know you like me, and you know I like you, so what are we going to do about this?

That was the beginning. Sometime I will tell the story of me asking her out, and the story of our engagement and our wedding day, but for now just know... That if you truly love a girl, and are patient, and courteous to her. You never know, there is a possibility that it will work out!

Wedding Day, in Mesa AZ

Until Next Time,

Best Friends Forever | 20 Years of Friendship

Many people have a best friend, many people have friends that last for five years, few people have friends that last for ten years, and even fewer people have a bestfriend that lasts for twenty years. My wife Lydia has been friends with her best friend Alyssa for over twenty years, and they are both still in their early twenties! In my background growing up this seems crazy. I can't imagine having a friend for that long... Don't get me wrong I would love to have a best friend like that but I simply have not known the same people for that long. I think that the ability to have a lifelong friend like that is incredible and I want to recognize this and commend them for not only maintaining that friendship but continuing to grow as friends throughout those years.

Alyssa

Lydia and Alyssa met at church when they were around four years old. They became friends and began spending time together as you would expect of four year olds-- playdates and family activities. They saw each other at church for a while but then the families went their separate ways. However, Lydia would still participate in events and youth activities with Alyssa's church so they would continue to hang out and continue to develop their relationship.

When Lydia was in 9th grade, she switched schools from public school to a Christian school. Alyssa had been at this school for quite a few years at this point but that didn't matter. They were still friends and still spent much of their time together. At this point in time, I was still living in New Jersey and had no idea whatsoever that Lydia even existed yet! I wouldn't come into the picture until Lydia's freshman year of college.

Throughout their high school years, they created many memories, inside jokes, and stories that to this day cause much laughter from the retelling of them. A

Lydia

friendship like this is a precious thing and I cannot emphasize enough how much of a blessing it is so observe their friendship. In order to maintain such a relationship you have to sacrifice and you have to make an effort to understand each other and grow together as friends.

This past Christmas break Alyssa and I made Lydia watch the Harry Potter movies. Both Alyssa and I are firm and avid Harry Potter fans and Lydia had never seen these movies. We watched through the first four and will finish the rest of them before summer break. But it was an opportunity to hang out and see each other.

From my perspective, it can be difficult to enter a group when the other people in the group have been friends for many years prior to you joining. I felt very out of place in the beginning simply because I was so new. Over the two years of marriage, we have had quite a few opportunities to hangout and get to know each other. I can honestly say, that at this point in time, Alyssa isn't just Lydia's best friend, but she is also a dear friend to me as well.  (and Alyssa, thank you for sharing your best friend. :P )

But I am beginning to ramble, and I don't want to so I'm going to wrap this up with. On New Year's Eve we went out and did a little photoshoot with Lydia and Alyssa. I have included some of the pictures from the shoot in this blog and I hope this story has been encouraging.

Friends | From 4yrs Old to the Future

Until Next time,